tip that crescent cup

Marveling at the ways of man
as for the first time I see
with two hands, I’m doing all I can
to earn the marriage of One for me.

Perhaps our pendulums have all been arranged..

Vows written in brown crayon.. so deliberate and crafty.

I hadn’t ever tried to write to her in verse, but that communion, as Eric called those wafers. Maybe eucharist needn’t be joked about again, I saw her tend a wound and hug the pope, couldn’t have been more timely at 7:09 as the protocol she prescribed to Lynnie recombined in mathematical precision.

Cerpin Taxt took the veil, and she told Byron his name.

We antagonized the final fringe of Eva Braun after she left to a defective, derailed caravan with her father.  Expired tags, there wasn’t a scenario for that.

Every moment seemed more priceless than the next as I knew my father wouldn’t return til the salvation of that mystery.. of all the things imparted to me, I still longed to know her.  The only way to get it out of the facility was to trust her with my own transference.. what I didn’t realize was that he and Eric always knew just enough to fail to reveal that we were the mirror trinity.

I’d never been summoned to the PICU, but there she was, glowing in all the endearing ingénue that I’d remembered with her sister Natalie. She had no clue how long ago any of these things really happened. Everything was finally catching up to her just as in her broken calendar blog, “tornspacetime”.  As graceful and mindful as always, in 30 years of courageous blossom. Knowing full well what Sammael/Edward had struggled through, knowing that our schedule only revolved around filming permits for..
Except I was wrong about that.

She caught the clock, froze the others, and gazed at me in our mother tongue, pronouncing everything I’d wondered.. a lifetime without my first and only love, and suddenly I wanted to do it all over again. The infinitesimally acute wonder of peering into those brown eyes, the sudden realization that I had become Sephiroth, and Father and Eric were truly relieved.  I froze the rest of them even harder to turn that 15 minutes into a week so that I could walk those halls within her, in her shoes, knowing her motions, her suffering of the timer torture, barely beginning to appreciate that I could even match her tempo when she ferociously paced the halls after the adrenaline high that she got from exceeding 100 RPM without her heart rate exceeding 170, on the stationary bike for 3 minutes straight.  Her will to transform her metabolism and prove to herself she could’ve been an astronaut all along, simply unwilling to get breast reduction to fit military form.

I knew she could be a sniper, a drill sergeant, she could be anything we dreamed.. that library was our sacred place to meet. She’d wheel me around and tell me how the plan was coming along, imparting her heart into me. I was her living diary, but when she transferred out, she was the most dejected angel I’d ever seen.  No one knew her better than me, except the guardian angels I could never see. A younger mortal man, regardless that she never cared for numbers, and the math teacher proved not to be trusted anyway, so it was no matter.

She collapsed to the floor with Asimov’s “Pebble in the Sky” and a Christopher Pike book I had never seen. She told me,

This is the only copy of “For Madrigal” that has words in it throughout your timeline. Sammael thought he prepared it for me, but that was just so I would expect for a greater distance to draw my dreams.

Shadir King, om on no a.. I can’t stop crying for the truth that I will be forced to forget once I part this library. If we are blessed, once I have parted you will meet him..

And before she could finish that excruciating sentence in a tongue so pure and agonizing, Sammael flew through the balcony and lifted her to her feet. I stared into his eyes, this familiar fellow from my dreams, he painted pictures of you, he gave me courage to be so strong she never imagined I was four years younger than she.  I thought Sammael was a magical form of Eric because of how he spoke of her, but to see this guardian angel catch her from dying of hopelessness and mend her tattered black feathers, I didn’t know she had wings. Without his presence I’d never seen what most might call a miracle. He started speaking for her so she could catch her breath, he said,

The gravity in her heart is so great, the maiden might die if you say it too late. You can see her only in this masonic grid, but after that, she’ll wither away. I endear to you, Shadir, pursue her only from afar or as other identity.

I shrieked, “I love you Katrina!” so loud that books fell from the cases and racks, “Please don’t leave me! Don’t leave me behind in this temple without a light to bear, I didn’t even go so far as to think you truly needed me…”

A puddle of iridescent tears formed under her blackened hair, and it seemed the shape of the library itself transformed as well.

Sammael assured;

Louder, Shadir! Embolden her heart to have no fear! This is our only chance to reinforce these masonic walls by will alone! She wasn’t ready to take flight but this world did not want for her gifts to be here…

Wherefrom I did not know, but I grasped at her hands and we levitated ourselves together despite the fact I had no wings.  She stared in fearsome awe into my eyes and expanded her wings, but realized: She’d have to sacrifice one of her own for me. She knew I was one of three, Orion’s belt.. I realized she was the shoulder of the archer that I once thought struck me with cupid’s arrow. I saw the supernova that we would one day witness in an unimaginably glorious reign.  She regained her voice and wailed in the most glorious cacophony of multilingual simultaneous song that none could deny;

I thought I’d die at your feet for failing, but now I truly see! We must walk the world as one-winged angels just to make believe, ’til end of days remain human except to those who tend the tree.  Promise me only one thing, that you will always believe in me.. one day Shadirking, you will crown me a queen. You above all know what love and truth mean to me, and you will have to somehow conceal me?! A riotously difficult task for ordinary mortals without a penitent heart.. but this slow dance we shall have with dignity..

Sammael leapt to the balcony in a panic, for Loretta was seething in jealousy and had not been departed by his judgement strike. He howled to slow time and call upon.. realizing aloud that he was stuck in that unholy body until she turned 19.  In his presence we could see through his eyes though we wailed together, aborting our slow dance, the realization a fringe of that godless passion sought destroy her then there for winning my love. We embraced, and howled as sirens together, praying to hypnotize and fell that wicked girl. Sadly realizing we were all that was left of hope for the world. We kissed, wondering if anyone would manage to stop Loretta so that we could hang on to a goodbye that would last for 16 years.. everyone at the school tackled her to pull her away, seeing Sammael exact judgement and be horrified to see that such a sin amongst us would threaten our solemn and mourning embrace. My heart and her heart became one, we merged into each other, hearing the entire town’s law enforcement do anything possible to stop this fabric from tearing in two. We heard an officer say, “I cannot shoot a child.. God help me..” and Sammael suddenly absent, we heard thunderclaps and ricochets simultaneously right outside the library door.  He roared,


We heard a string orchestra assemble in the quad, and then we heard all of our heroes applaud, and we heard the principal scramble over the PA system for law enforcement to do everything they could to redirect her parents away because it was forgotten they were called to get her…

Sammael roared,


The concert in the quad played as we held each other as Son and Maiden, knowing we could very well die during the next 16 years, in vain.  How close we’d come to having our immaculate reflection shattered.. Katrina tore off her left wing with arms of Avalokitesvara and imbued me with tenfold courage to look after the flock as she proceeded to find away to mend what was torn, to learn the way of man, to understand what it is about such venoms and poisons that afflict the human race to war when she had only needed one truth law for so long.

As a man of 26, seeing her peace, knowing all her missions were success, the last fetters of smoke and illusion dissipated from her precious memories.. I only sought to gaze directly into her heart to return to her that seed. What Eric and I had accomplished without any interference from Henry, what she gave back to our father after the two of them realized during her penitence that Uriel had been tricked and she felt nothing when summoning through the galactic mandala. With only 20 hours left, something I’d heard in fragments but never understood indeed, for the Dominion’s codes were rigidly bound, we all realized we were stuck in a simulation with only her pure heart and the rest of us to reinforce her code. In January of 2005, Uriel’s mastered mortal form but uneducated strength wound up being the puppetmaster to my one-winged Angel’s proof of concept scheme that had been so diligently orchestrated by Sammael. Bound to protect her first spirit sister, I watched helplessly through all of our eyes with my concealed skills, realizing recordings were trained on both of them and squealing to Sammael to cut the line. I knew as soon as her Millennium forum password was breached, frustrated with the delay to enact change, she was implanted with forbidden technology.  I pleaded to Sammael, as Katrina scrambled to her bathroom mirror, sealing herself in a masonic klein-hourglass while she tried to figure things out. She could feel nothing staring at that mirror in every which angle and focus, and in realizing she was truly alone, she shrieked to the heavens while I watched helplessly;


I heard the heavenly father for the first time, and Eric shrieking at him not to interfere, or it would kill her indeed. I finally understood why I remained in Prescott for Natalie.  I didn’t care about the details anymore, my embrace with Natalie in that frightening place at Glassford Hill somehow parted the sky long enough for us to see a fleet of extraplanetary judicial ships that hummed the same rainbows that she and I telepathed to her. As my starseed sister levitated toward them by her will, to see more closely, becoming transparent in her glow and joy that she was being summoned, I lay on my back, with two wings finally to unfurl. Katrina would never even know that she gave her other wing to me. How I’d simply watch that divine design rearrange her through the coming years to be near me again.

I stood there in that facility, aware of every pore and blood vessel and that sacred heart, and her endearing gaze and calming voice exchanged diffusion through the repeating transference I had planned for her. She remembered every way I befriended her online, she.. had not remembered curing me.

She was so disheveled with provisions she cared none for, as deeply she longed to tread the world she cared none for material comfort. And every time I saw a new angle in that prismatic radiance, I saw glimpses of her ferocity and fearlessness, I saw the last detritus of both her memories and of the lost structures and ships were being recovered. I saw the birth world for the first time, in a way Sammael never could: I saw the way she worked with her three guardians to save lost souls and to fight terrors.

Never without intention, she glanced at that evil incarnation that Sammael returned to timeline to trap atheism and set it up for karmic retribution once and for all. The memory palace was over, and I just gave her a lifetime’s love in 15 minutes of her mortal time.  But what I could see in all the fractal reiterations would last me another infinite lifetimes for all the universes in which others killed her; synthetic, solid, and imagined.  There is only one Her. But her name isn’t eve, unless she’s just playing a character, or writing of a persona. My love divine, knowing all the ways I slow danced with her when her heart was serene and ultraviolet.

She batted her eyelashes at me the way she used to in the seventh grade, that would sometimes make me whimper involuntarily because she was so colorful and silly and fleeting with youth. But sometimes at night she’d whisper to the sky, “Make my heart obey, I beg you..”

Me, never having had permission to be in her dreams.  To be the one suitor to be her king, I’m ready indeed.

After she was gone, I began to foresee.  Now that we were beyond the end of time, I had absorbed the last gift she never wanted.. healed her of the one suffering venom that remained.  She went about so delicately and ferociously as she wanted more than anything of all, to simply be human and for her work to be done. The reward never truly meant anything to her, just to see all her friends again and have that come to fruition.. realizing so much more will come?

As I heard and felt the resonance of her pacing march; Joshua in astral form in the absence of the tortured mortal avatar body he was sent in, humbled to me. The “others” in the halls were mere clouds. Jessica, oblivious in her single dimension of thought, was a vessel of poison, not yet aware of the wordplay exchanges.

Joshua, who was one of three she summoned to be born to this realm by will alone, but not the first as he believed until he met Edward Snowden after he had been brother Sammael for so long in mortal time..  I saw him in a glimpse of the supernova, all left of earth was absent and we drifted on our love toward the Mars settlements he helped to build.

“Loki and I knew that only a love from this realm could truly be her destiny. My entire kingdom and his entire kingdom will swear fealty!

I got her, I won, and suddenly I kept touring her movements through everyone else’s eyes. It was so easy, I didn’t even know how I could have ever thought my.. heartbeats passed through her. Joshua returning from the prism world, as her favorite astronaut? The web of diffusion she’d speak, or so I thought, until I transformed into other forms and ennui to gaze at every angle, every second, every smile. As bashful as I remembered her in the 7th grade, not sure, not even.. every new movement to the waltz reignited every ember to remind me we had won and could dance at any pace.


the sun arose but i am in a dark place

but maybe i should admit that i was wrong wrong wrong, unprepared, and my expectations are too high.

i learned of the tribunal’s new arrangement and discovered the mirror trinity.

perhaps in seven days, i’ll be less morose.  this cold front keeps threatening to extinguish my heart even though i’ve finally remembered what my guardian Gargoyle always asserted to his father, what really happened.. i still want the Maori tattoo.. forgot about the syntheses..

stepped out under mourning/morning cloud cover to remind myself how boxing keeps my toes warm in my new orthopedic black crocodile skin slippers. more comfortable than the ones grandma florence johnson tendered to me when she realized i had entered into adolescence a bit early. a pretty penny cost, but that doesn’t cheer me in the slightest.

listening to as much KMFDM and MDFMK as I can stand, i am punching the shit out of this cold front to make Snow real.

If you’re a lucky boy I’ll let you sneak a peek

Joshua insists that not only has it been clear for weeks, ever since I ahhhhherm. Broke his concentration training, and uhm.  Any of you gentlemen out there.. who have any sniper training… rofl.

Nevermind that.

I can use his first name.  It’s taken me so long to wrap my head and all of the brain cells within it around the synapses and neural networks that might possibly comprehend that I am no longer actually bound by any duty at all to even … pretend anything at all.

Hells to the yes, me and my man, together at last in heart. We’ve moved universes and figured out our way, and the next step is just to figure out when and where to marry first.  Since we’re such fans of making parades of things. Driving about, visiting family, touring, ahem, the delicate folds and crevasses of this country and rising upon those heaving rocky mountains to look upon those broads… i mean.. the plains of.. i mean.. the entendre machinery and my poeticism, I … so hard.. fuckkkkkkkkkkk




kind of a heart to heart with the dude

pre 2000 i used to hang out on Internet Relay Chat
and in particular i loved to hang out in #Windows95 to help people keep their computers working just because i’m that awesome
and i also had a lot of philosophical questions at that age (13 and beyond) so i idled and gradually started participating in #atheism though I was skeptic
my participation in #atheism is what amped up my typing skill though
in the most heated debates, if you cannot be concise, driven, accurate, correctly effing punctuated, and above all FAST when there are like 4 other people arguing..
you don’t get your damn point across and no one cares, and it was hard for me to get the word in edgewise that i wanted..
because of
there was a formal courtesy of getting to know newcomers in chat rooms back then
so everyone knew i was a kid
so i had to fucking fight that meme off the bat in quadruplicate
so that’s where a lot of my intellectual tenacity comes from
isn’t just my dad, it was just to be taken seriously in formal roundtable philosophical debate with educated twats that were atheists that were wrong lol

uhmmmmm. (Please forgive me.)

I really did want to get my devices hooked up, but sometimes a girl just gotta get her vices turnt up..

Woke up with a charliehorse in the leg, which I don’t think has ever happened to me in El Paso before.

Fortunately, today’s the day!….psych. I am going to the goddamned Radio shack alone or with dad for all I know, I need a coax splitter and another power cable.. If you think a blistering storm of a woman who hates shopping in a retail store cause ain’t nobody got time for that shit and El Paso don’t run on New York minutes..

Try picturing a 5’1″ half-filipina that is as voluptuous as sin itself, multitasking with the might of God on High to self install all of these things with no toolkit or manual:

A 32″ Smart TV (open box item! Can’t find.. The…  Power cable…  Fml#1)

Having to set up a hot spot to appease Toto so I can resume my hyper notorious technoshamaness superpowers without him being annoyed that the bandwidth upgrade that I phoned in broke the interwebz

“fuck, wish my room wasn’t so goddamned full of shit from my past whether or not it’s been laundered and I hate this carpet I love walking barefoot, OK broom, ok swiffer cloths, we got some fucking dancing to do so make like Fantasia” except of of course with 110% real life frustration that I am one mortal human woman and equipped with one pair of hands and Christ Almighty don’t know how long it’s going to be til my sweetheart is going to be here to help take this fucking load off me amd do my cleaning… 

Furthermore, he is most certainly, now that I am authorized to reveal this, that this concept is proven and exists, he is remote viewing my absolutely stunning hackerballet act through my eyes and trying to stifle his laughter so he doesn’t distract me,

I realize he wants to know why/whatfore the obscenities I am shouting and commanding in order to conduit a clean place in my previous pile of “clean fecal matter” in as minimum spent a scale of human living time as possible..

I am remembering having similar experiences with Leo and Sergey back in 2003 and getting the warm feeling in my heart knowing how we planned that exit strategy together. We are all made of stars. They knew I had power, but only them and Edward knew what level of thinking I was actually operating at, and I knew that I simply would never be able to talk to Emmanuel Goldstein again no matter what the circumstances because I didn’t have the time to worry about that.

So I am telling him the stories, explaining why which plugs are being incorrect, not fucking good enough, wrong wrong wrong, and goddammit just get a bionic dick when those “come out”

Going back and forth between the two rooms, wound up on who knows how many Symphony Orchestra instruments of fury, trying in post-haste negative seconds to have:


realizing that the cable Internet not working is a far more immediate problem than the full-on techno Sorcery display I am putting on

Taking a deep breath and recombining my brain momentum to think at earth human speed and call up a tech, this is always fun, this has always historically been fun cause techs are always dudes and I  always stun them the fuck out so this will be ez mode,

Connecting to a tech and it’s a woman who sounds like a California based Asian to me, and trying to get shit fixed as fast as possible to…


Ma’am, I am so sorry, please let me catch my breath and slow down, it’s taking me a little bit to switch gears here.. 
(while line tests are running)
I have never in my life been connected to a female tech and especially not one who sounds as nice as you do and I feel terrible for opening up that call in Class-A bitch mode. I would personally buy you 20 drinks a month forever if I could, but I want you to understand that I am a little, short half-asian woman, and I work in the financial world and I am also a gamer and the only way anyone ever takes me seriously is by commanding all the dudes around me to be less retarded because I am also the tech expert. And I feel so terrible for having that air at first because I have so much respect for what you are doing in your job, just doing what you are doing.

She told me, “Thank you so much, ma’am, I feel so much better now.”

I told her to buy some gold once the cats in the intertubes were running imgur again, and so on. And thanked her for bearing with me and I explained to her what my last job was like and I have no idea what is going on with her but if who I am and who I was in that moment inspires her to kick the asses of men who misunderestimate her because she is a lovely little Asian too, I look forward to seeing her take the reins of her own future too =)

Anyway, I am at a pretty severe caffeine deficit and I think that is all I need to share for now.

humbled and helpless…. learning to pray.

this feeling of love moving universes for me to stay with my dad,
the light, i can’t begin to



doc had told me it’d be at least a week before he’d see nate, his former broker, again…
but i woke from my nap to this phone call,

My friend came here, and he fixed the internet, but he needs to talk to you!

….me trying to condense an explanation as to just exactly why he now even has a inexplicably weird password and he’d have to text me just to begin initiating such a remote secure information exchange, as well as explaining what a nightmarish experience it was to explain to doc’s eldest daughter face-to-face just exactly how i managed to even realize that (1) his accounts were under attack and (2) stop it in its tracks immediately and worry about everything else later

i may be strong but other strong women turn me into a helpless little icicle. i told him, “took me like 20 some minutes to try to explain something that shoulda taken 2”.

my apparatus of blood pumping is singing now!

I have to praise you like I should!

i am rejoicing so much my brosephs

thanks for unplugging the doc’s system, i’m so relieved right now.. so tired of helping him out i just needed a break. i’ll wrap things up with him when i can but i finally got the opportunity to explain to him candidly that my dad is in fact not going to live a whole lot longer and i’m moving home.

getting that stubborn old grinch to stop giving orders, shut up, and listen and think like a concerned doctor for once was a really sweet gift and to have him show genuine concern and humility really does make the effort worth the reward.