my tender heart remains warm

despite my least favorite holiday of the year being compounded by a compulsion to go back and read all of my journals in chronological order, something i haven’t done in many years, bringing out floods more tears, they are warm tears, and mostly of laughter, even when i am remembering the death of my guardian Gargoyle.

the other deaths don’t have much effect, but earlier today i thanked Toto for protecting me from my own grief back in 2003.  and many other things. cant wait to see my sis tomorrah, ive decided on the tattoo but not where i’ll get it yet..

poor dormouse, he accidentally faux pas’d and pissed me off earlier this evening.. but it’s so much easier to be patient with him than it was with.. hmm. haven’t even named my last ex. well, i’ve never been one to mince words in the past and being the grown and free woman i am now i aint fucking mincing them for anyone anyhow. i regret being unable to prevent my feelings for him from overwhelming me but i made my choices and i saw them through. i hate myself for it but somehow people tell me it’s courageous. from my point of view i want my fucking 21 months back. i must have drank too much if i can actually start to feel regret.

maybe i’ll feel differently if my Knight actually starts talking to me again but

he hasn’t..
he hasn’t sent me a message in over a week now and though my dreams are starting to surface the mortal realm is lonely and i

i fucking miss his voice so much, i am so tired, and the longer i wait without a message… in my waking life i feel anguish because i do not fucking believe in miracles.

time to go back to reading my memories til i pass out

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