i never want to feel like i have to go into combat with my past

but jack of diamonds, who dutifully ignored my pleas to call in the one motherfucking lifelong promised favor that fucking promise he always fucking breaks every goddamn fucking time i need him he is never fucking there that manic depressive l;skdjg;lksdzjf;lsdkjgl;khahiah;ksldjfl;sdkjfdskljfklsj; FUCK this same shit happened but at least i know that it’s because no matter what he thinks the future could ever possibly hold in his own mind and no matter HOW far our friendship goes back, and no matter how much he means it when he does get on the goddamn phone and catch me up on lost time or get around to fulfilling promises he made years ago (i think.. he promised to get me an xbox when i introduced him to the Aspirant, that would’ve been in 2008.. didn’t fucking happen til 2012. sigh.)  doesn’t matter what kind of anything he ever says because it’s too goddamn late jack, you’ve always been a brother but i can’t trust you to be anything more than a mess when i need you the most.  you make the best promises and it’s always the worst case scenario with you.. as much as i would have liked to catch you up on the events i can’t even stomach the notion of sharing journals with you. why even jack has to be one of those curmudgeony jerks that makes me have to ask his co-worker to physically poke him when he ignores my emails and voicemails and texts because he’s so anti facebook despite having the know-how to just make a fake profile for fucks sake. christ on a cracker, Gargoyle, i need a cancer stick and some fire so bad right now, this anger headache..

One thought on “i never want to feel like i have to go into combat with my past

  1. so i threw on clothes for some fresh air and to fantasize about tobacco smoke and for the first night since i’ve been gazing in .. longing.

    the clouds parted and i see you there Orion, endearing to my gaze, my anger is washed away by tears of lumieque, wondering where this holy light comes from that beckons me to love. thank you. i’m going back outside. i’ll just sit there and heal a while.

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