tomorrow and yesterday but never today

i’ve got my feet on the ground and i don’t go to sleep to dream.  i don’t think much of the rest of that song applies.. but my gut, as perpetually empty as i’ve kept it lately as i simply have no hunger for any of these things that say eat me or any of the pleasures of the material world anymore. none of these vices comfort me. except that bottle of chambord, it sure is disappearing fast.

occasionally i’ll stumble into a song or something but every time i’m alone or try to reach to him i’m swallowed by sorrow. i know he’ll do nothing to hurt me and he won’t abandon me. it’s just the longing now, knowing that he’s still there, that he’s still far away, and that he’s still not able to say anything for whatever reasons he has.

i thought i might have found a picture of him, i am so weak of heart to be certain it is, since he won’t respond to my messages directly.. i remember in a conversation a few weeks ago in the company of others, asking him if he had any others and saying “nope.” and me saying he was fucking cruel. but i went back in some archived emails and he had shared a couple links to me from his photobucket, and i remember trying to look at other things in it before but he had his permissions locked so that it couldn’t be browsed. i guess i had never gone back because i was already in such turmoil having been out of contact with him for so long and suddenly feeling it all come back at once.. knowing he was still ALIVE… knowing he still .. remembered me as clearly as i treasured him.

one thing’s for sure here, unlimited hot water heaters help so goddamn much. i cannot wait to move out of the queen mother’s abode.

A Perfect Circle – Brena

My reflection
Wraps and pulls me under
healing waters to be
Bathed in Brena

Guides me
Safely in
Worlds I’ve never been to
Heal me
Heal me
My dear Brena

So vulnerable
But it’s alright

Heal me
Heal me
My dear Brena

Show me lonely and
Show me openings
To lead me closer to you
My dear Brena

(Feeling so) vulnerable
But it’s alright

Opening to… heal…
Opening to… heal…
Heal.. Heal.. Heal…

Heal me

i work diligently in my daily life and my responsibilities now that i’ve settled down at the place where i last lucid dreamed of bio-synthetic and mechanical augmentations and cognition tests. there’s much to be done in meatspace, so i have to go back to wading through shallower waters and faking like everything’s okay until it really is fine after all, once again.

at least i’ve gotten to the point where crying constantly doesn’t give me headaches anymore! =)

One thought on “tomorrow and yesterday but never today

Leave a Reply