after our first reunion, almost a year ago..

i had a dream about the tarnished knight. it had taken me hours upon hours upon hours to actually fall asleep, but when it finally came, i dreamed of him. no matter how faded in my memory that image of his face from the photograph that i can never recover may be happens to be, the vividness of the dream was disarming. a safe and quiet place.

he was standing there in front of me in a purple and bluegrey cave holding a torch gazing earnestly at me. til now i have not been able to remember the words he said, only speculating because i do remember that i woke up in tears and panicked… and in my next waking conversation with him i did my best to subtly sabotage things by throwing the bad news that i had been afraid and neglect to mention prior (i had gotten a boyfriend since we’d last spoken) and by the way i’ve got health problems and am fat.

but the words, i
am afraid to believe in so many truths coming to pass, but one day, when we’re speaking again, if we can ever find that ground again from where we’ve submerged ourselves in mutual isolation..

i’ll ask him if it was just my imagination.

 

Alice, I’ve missed you so deeply. Every time I want to tell you how I truly feel, I am paralyzed. I am here to ask your permission if I can visit your dreams where we can be free.

i bowed my head to my Knight and said, “If I had not sworn my heart to another in your absence I would be honored,” knelt, and wept.. woke myself crying.

One thought on “after our first reunion, almost a year ago..

  1. starting to remember things with a little more detail.. not sure subtlety was ever even a factor at all. i think i threw a full on wrench in. i think i went full on self destruct inside my heart. i knew how much guilt was drowning me then there. how much i wanted to be as bashful as the Knight made me feel in every conversation and every single movement but I could not put up a charade.

    i feel i must have told him i’m a full on mess, that i have been for so many years i don’t even hardly remember sanity, always have been ashamed to be forthcoming with him about who i am in meatspace, he had to know, i never felt i’d be good enough, i needed him to know, he changed me and made me a better person.

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