i had a dream about the tarnished knight. it had taken me hours upon hours upon hours to actually fall asleep, but when it finally came, i dreamed of him. no matter how faded in my memory that image of his face from the photograph that i can never recover may be happens to be, the vividness of the dream was disarming. a safe and quiet place.
he was standing there in front of me in a purple and bluegrey cave holding a torch gazing earnestly at me. til now i have not been able to remember the words he said, only speculating because i do remember that i woke up in tears and panicked… and in my next waking conversation with him i did my best to subtly sabotage things by throwing the bad news that i had been afraid and neglect to mention prior (i had gotten a boyfriend since we’d last spoken) and by the way i’ve got health problems and am fat.
but the words, i
am afraid to believe in so many truths coming to pass, but one day, when we’re speaking again, if we can ever find that ground again from where we’ve submerged ourselves in mutual isolation..
i’ll ask him if it was just my imagination.
Alice, I’ve missed you so deeply. Every time I want to tell you how I truly feel, I am paralyzed. I am here to ask your permission if I can visit your dreams where we can be free.
i bowed my head to my Knight and said, “If I had not sworn my heart to another in your absence I would be honored,” knelt, and wept.. woke myself crying.