i shouldn’t have posed it as a question

because it’s not all fun and games in the lottery business.  i don’t like discovering what warfare breaks out and being helpless to it just because of the mingling between my bloodline and my lifeline.  being given back the honor of living as a civilian is wonderful but that wonder is filled with highs and lows that swerve in every direction to avoid feeling that alienating sensation that less mature individuals call love, sentient people and animals know as much as i do that caution is an exercise in discipline that is hard to maintain.

studying the human brain as long as my fambly has, it’s a struggle to be a disciple of anything, if you’re encountering constant challenges to your convictions.  one human woman to another, or worldly born as a man, it’s easier to mourn one’s own heart if it disobeys the happenstance of wanting to love only one person. as an executive from my perspective, it’s terrible to be summoned to disqualify a doctor on the terms that i had been scheduled to deliver on.

it may not be true that i’ve never had children but the truth is that i could never menstruate in the hospice care i was in.  i was technically sterilized and since i’ve turned 30 i’m regaining my health and it’s scary. the process of donating my eyes was really difficult to plan. but it was necessary. if they didn’t regenerate in a particular way, i couldn’t have survived the hollow.  later, when my eyes readapted, and my auditory nerves were not hypersensitive, i was shown an amazing documentary of medicine provided to north korea and in particular the treatment of cataracts and glaucoma to train their doctors.  no one takes perfection more seriously than north korea, and having visited korea due to a snowed-in flight when i was 14, i just don’t know where to begin.  so i won’t. it was amazing, beautiful, i didn’t want to leave and i did all i could to remember everything i talked about with Steve.  i’ll never forget staying as a guest of the airline at that hotel in Seoul.

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