“Hello, so what are you doing around here?” he asked, making small talk finally alone with her on the patio. “Playing the role of the Oracle in this game we call Life: As We Know It.” Josh started laughing with giddiness at how naturally coy she was when she was communicating with additional eye contact layers. Oh, holybejeezusfuckself, get control of things, please stop laughing you idiot wreck, be cool. Why the fuck did you drink 5 coffees earlier you fuck of a fuckstickarg
“You’re cute when you laugh, what’s your name, hm? Why do you ask?”
“Josh,” he said, shaking his head with a dazed smirk. “Forgive me but you’re just really hot and I drank copious amounts of coffee while everyone else was downing beers and I gotta piss like crazy so when I’m done I gotta bolt. Hell of a way to meet..”
“You think I’m hot?” She smiled at him, raising her eyebrows. “Do you plan on coming back outside after you piss?”
“uhhh no, sorry, probably not. It’s late.” The cigarette was about halfway finished.
“You never did tell me why you were here.”
“Well that’s top secret.”
“I guess your last name probably is too then, huh?”
“Wouldn’t matter, but I’m sure you know that.”
She raised an eyebrow at him. “I wonder if you’re the Josh I’ve been waiting for all my life, or just another one of the million and none Joshes that isn’t the one who holds my heart.”
They finished their smokes.
Josh hesitated, “You know- I wish I could’ve planned for,”
But Katrina was already saying, “Well we could shoot the shit and chug coffee in my room if that suits you but you’ve got a look of regret on your face… Oh, and I do have a toilet.”
Josh winced at his bladder. “I’m kind of expected to chaperone the person I’m sharing a suite with or I would, I have to go. [unintelligible mumbles] Bye.”
So my buddy came into the pub this evening and he works out in the four corners region, rockstar guy, drives a harley, concert promoter, think he plays bass for some speed metal band with a disease name. Unique one though, no tattoos. Likes to show off the bod. Anyway, he’s so psyched he’s sweating through his shirt, and he’s like, “Andy, gotta show you something, buy me a beer, I’ve earned it!” Then he proceeds to undo his buckle, drop trou full frontal. I’m standing there unable to blink- frozen by the sheer incredulity of this hyperreal punchline.
“They call it the Area 51 Body Swap! The wife’s on base doing this new RV test and now I got a whole new perspective on my better half!” Needless to say, Byron broke every glass in the keep trying to tend bar after that. Thank Christ for cheap Solo cups man!